Unless you live in a very remote and blissfully isolated part of the world it is highly likely that at one stage or another of your life you will have encountered conflict. It is often all to easy during these times to become consumed by thoughts of either injustice, revenge or indeed the most personally destructive of all, self doubt and insecurity.

In order to protect our mental well being learning how to navigate our way through the minefield of conflict and discomfort is critical. No matter how thick your skin is it is natural for unresolved issues to consume your mind space to the point of there being little room left for anything else. In order to avoid this there are a number of different strategies that you may employ, some being considerably more effective than others …

If I Stay Really Quiet Maybe It Will Just Go Away …

During my childhood and teens I actively avoided confrontation with a passion. The thought of it made me feel sick to my stomach. It didn’t even have to be my own conflict for it to have that effect on me, other people’s conflict that I had absolutely no involvement in at all could still leave me paralysed with fear.

If, like me, you find that you have a similar reaction to conflict it is a very instinctive response to bury your head in the sand and try to pretend that it’s not happening at all. Surely if you keep your head down there long enough and ignore it it’ll all pass and you can emerge again, albeit with some sand in your eyes?

Unfortunately this is very rarely the case and whilst you are there, head buried deep in denial you are, believe it or not, actually missing some amazing opportunities for growth, learning and empowerment. I know, it’s hard to feel this when you are in the midst of it and it is entirely natural, when faced with discomfort, to go to the quickest place of security and just pretend it’s not happening.

But it is.

It’s happening and it’s happening for a reason and the sooner that is explored and confronted the sooner you can restore some level of peace of mind again. Whilst hiding from it all and being in denial is a quick fix you will always still be aware that the main issue and cause of conflict is stomping around on the ground above your head. As much as you try to ignore it this knowledge will without fail be creating unease within you.

All In The Mind

We’ve all done it. As this method involves the healthy step of actually acknowledging that the issue exists it is definitely a slightly more evolved method to the above technique of pretending it’s not actually happening at all. Unfortunately though it also involves coming to the conclusion that by repeatedly playing out the role of not only yourself but also the other person involved and arguing out different variations of what you might both say in your head you will somehow find resolution and peace of mind.

Surely having 15 internal variations of an argument in your mind whilst taking a shower couldn’t fail to resolve the conflict that you are faced with?

I mean of course, how could it not?

When put like this it sounds like highly irrational behaviour. There is however actually some method to this madness. Your brain has an amazing way of processing the events in your life and one of its main functions is to sort and file information and events into categories. It is a survival technique that ensures our minds retain more space for the important things in life and don’t become overloaded with irrelevant nonsense.

In order for it to achieve this it needs to create a complete circuit. The mind hates unresolved situations so if you are not directly facing the issue head on then it will continue to keep churning it round and round until it can complete the loop and work out which department in the brain it needs to file it in. Whilst there is sense to this process there is also, unfortunately, the potential of sending you into a spiral of being completely consumed by the situation for a much longer period of time than is necessary.

Another more obvious down side to this method is that you are also left with one party of the conflict completely oblivious that they have been indirectly involved in a four day sparring contest inside your mind. You will have undoubtedly have won the battle inside your head but unless the other person is actually involved it is all a slightly futile victory.

Walking In Another Man’s Shoes – even if they don’t fit

The above ways of approaching conflict are definitely two of the more common but have you ever considered taking the more unusual step of stepping out of the situation and attempting to view it from the other persons point of view? This option takes a bit of digging deep into your pride but is invaluable when trying to form a well rounded adult resolution to a situation.

Every disagreement has two sides. Of course from where you are standing yours will always be the right one. Strangely enough though you may well find that the other party feels just as justified in their conviction of being right. Bizarre huh?!

It is for this very reason that it is highly unlikely that there is one totally innocent and wronged party in all of this. Invariably most conflicts are caused by a breakdown in communication and one or other party creating their own narrative to fill in the gaps that are missing. One sided argument in your head anyone?

We all view life through our own lens. How one person views a situation will be influenced from experiences that could very well have been formed as early as childhood and will potentially create a completely different take on a situation than someone else. It’s what makes us unique and keeps the world a wonderful and colourful place. If we all had the same take on things it would all be very boring.

The art of viewing a conflict situation from the other parties perspective is an acquired skill but one that can be very beneficial towards quick resolution or at least dilution of a situation. No one even knows that you’ve tried to do it, just for a moment though try to pretend that you are the other person and attempt to see their take on things. Even if you don’t agree with it it’s worth just taking a peek to see whether it gives you any perspective on the situation.

Healthy but only in very small doses

A degree of conflict in life is unavoidable and on occasion a healthy thing but when it becomes something that consumes you and you can’t let it go then it is definitely time to find a coping strategy that works for you.

As the famous saying goes -

“Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die ”

— Unknown

Hannah Ciepiela is a Psychological Life and Executive Coach and Author. Based in Hitchin, Hertfordshire she provides Transformational Coaching to help and guide clients through transitional and challenging periods in their life. For more information and testimonials visit www.ehccoaching.com. Facebook. Instagram. Linked IN or call 07940 525792 for an informal chat about whether coaching is the right path for you.